Barry broke his hip in 1947; he was fourteen. It wasn’t set properly and eventually had to be broke again and reset – giving him a summer vacation in a body cast. From then on, Barry walked with a limp. His damaged leg had shrunk in length, along with the size of his foot. Due to this, it took two pairs of shoes to outfit him, as his feet were two distinctly different sizes.
He lived in pain. Regardless, he developed clever techniques to manage simple tasks. Two feet to drive, how he got in and out of anything, and the putting on of socks with the use of his toes, was sheer genius.
Barry was raised in a household where the relationship with his father was not ideal. Back then energy moved at a slower pace. Humans tended to repeat from generation to generation more with the attitude, “If it was good enough for me – it will be good enough for you.” Poor parenting tended to be excused and passed on without much thought.
Barry’s father was hard on him. Lots of yelling and arguing, manipulation and control. The legacy took hold.
My father, Barry, was hard on us. It was a tyranny run by lots of yelling (no arguing; too afraid), manipulation and control, iced with constant criticism, sarcasm and wonderful sprinkles of humiliation. Clips to the ear, cuffs to the back of the head was his way of bonding. There was more – but who needs more, when I’m sure you get the picture.
There was no “Dad Gene” in my father’s genetics and he never chose to manifest one. I believe to our misfortune we fell under the umbrella, “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” I don’t think I (along with my siblings) got that. We didn’t get stronger, we didn’t die – we just broke.
However, Barry did have the “Friend Gene”. He was charming (good looking; always helps), popular, a visionary, a man ahead of his time. You’d never catch Barry thinking within the confines of a box. People loved him, revered him and he in turn was good to them.
People knew he suffered. The bad hip had developed arthritis. He would travel to the states in his early forties to be one of the first recipients of a full hip replacement.
Excuses were made for him; as many with chronic health issues are. If they are miserable, nasty, cruel – what can you do? You can’t hold them accountable. After all they suffer. Their families are to endure. What is that? Oh yes; many think it’s unconditional love.
This behaviour can spread, like an oil spill in the ocean, coating and suffocating all in its wake. At times even friends employees and co-workers are included and catch the brunt of the poor soul that suffers. You’re expected to just take it. After all, they suffer.
I watched Barry. I took note of how he slammed us with his barbs of nastiness only to turn on a dime and be loving, generous and cheerful with his friends. This whispered to me and stayed with me to be there when somehow, I knew I would need it.
When I witness someone who lashes out at another and I’m told, “Well, you do know they deal with migraines”, or they have diabetes, arthritis… My reply is, “So what.” Take a pill, take a nap, drink some juice – just let everyone else be.
We all have a story. We are all dealing with something. No amount of challenge is grounds for bad behaviour to a fellow being.
Barry gave me the illustration of how so many have a public and a private self. Perhaps this is what created the expression, “No one knows what goes on behind closed doors.”
If you can muster the energy to be kind, happy and charitable with friends, then you can with family. Family is not forever – they only take so much and today, they take even less.
The concept of the “Modern Family” is catching on. No longer do we need to make do with what we are given. We can recreate a family of our choice.
Watching my dad, was a premonition of what was ahead of me. Constant pain.
I know that regardless of how much pain one may have, it is never an excuse for poor form, never an excuse for the hurting of another.
We need to do our best to treat everyone well. We need to smile and be kind. Being good-natured and happy helps. It takes us through the times when we think we won’t make it.
I made it through. So thank you Barry.
To be continued.
Photo by; Sharon Cooke
“The Dad Gene Returns” 2012