I came to Florida a week ago to relax and get well. I’ve had a cold with a side of Laryngitis going on three months. There was a time in my twenties when this cold would descend on me every fall and with it I would lose my voice. As I grew to be more myself the pattern left me. Now, thirty years later, it has returned.
Once again Life is asking me to be more. I have come a distance in this journey, but it’s not over yet and Life is pushing me.
In my younger years, I was told that I ruined things. Too much enthusiasm, talked too much, laughed too loud. Bit by bit I shut down. I was referred to as being shy, to the point that I would rehearse my name in the mirror before going out for fear that no sound would come out when spoken to and if it did, it would surely be wrong.
In the privacy of my room, I’d sing and dance. I was alive, beautiful and happy. But the moment I opened the door, by the time I shut it behind me, I was gone.
From time to time the real me would slip out, like the lid on a pot of potatoes. You tilt that lid ever so slightly to let the steam out so it won’t boil over. But when those potatoes start to bubble, the lid just can’t contain them. The lid on my spirit, every once in awhile would bubble over and like the cook in the kitchen who rushes to control the potatoes – someone was quick to tell me I needed to be quiet, that I was ruining things.
Then one day Life said, “Enough!” “No more squashing of the spirit.” People on my path appeared to help me and out I came. For awhile Life got really nasty. That’s how it works when you start to shake things up and behave in ways that no longer allow others to control you. But it gets better, you have to keep going – no turning back.
Thirty years later, I look in the mirror and realize my spirit has shrunk again. That damn lid. This time, there’s no one there, just me. Me controlling me, thinking for some crazy reason it makes it easier to fit. Well, surprise, it doesn’t. Funny, how when the ‘squashers of the spirit’ are no longer there, you are so used to being held down or back, you pick up where they left off.
None the less, being less, holding back, keeping still, keeping quiet, blending in – do this to yourself long enough and it makes you sick.
Relaxing to get well in Florida, hog-wash, I’ve had it all ass backwards! What I need is to live more, be more – screw relaxing!
On the eve of the new year, I’m taking the lid off and I’m going to bubble up and over and for a time it might get a little messy – a little nasty. In time I’ll get the hang of it. It will get easier being more, being me.
The you inside of you waits ever so patiently, trying to get our attention until it just can’t wait any longer and then the time is now. May 2012 be your time.
The other day I watched a rerun of the Actor’s Studio. Jim Carey being interviewed by, James Lipton.He said something to this effect, all about taking a chance on being you, even though people may not like what you do or who you are. That time came for him and look where he is now.
“ At some time you have to risk moving beyond what people expect from you.”