There was a time in my life where I experienced what it was to be with someone and yet very much alone. Neglected and abandoned, with the repeated message that I was not deserving of being loved. I crumbled.
But, life and likewise, myself, had other plans. I rallied. I closed the door to this reality.
When you start again, alone at first, I pushed myself to do things on my own. And low and behold I grew to enjoy my own company. I found out that I was not this terrible person, I had been told I was. I liked me and I could actually have a good time with just me.
I looked in the mirror and I remembered; I have dimples. Dimples that appear when one smiles are irresistible. And even, if you don’t, there is surely something you have that is beautiful.
Now, fast forward to – 2020.
Yes, I still like me. I remain to enjoy my company, I find how I think intriguing, there are moments where I applaud my brilliance. I find myself amusing and therefore entertaining. I even enjoy my cooking.
Now, there are times I’m not impressed and I tell myself that this was not one of my finer moments and thank God tomorrow is another day and I can start fresh.
From March till December of this year, I have had the pleasure of my company, A LOT! Let’s face it being together with anyone 24/7 can be just that — too much. There is no escaping me. Every day it’s Me, Myself and… Well you know the rest.
I know I’m not alone and although somewhat reassuring this idea is, that we are all in this together — there are days, I’m not feeling it. I look around and my reality is that, I am in this with ME, just Me!
I am grateful to have a DVD collection I can visit, where I can call on the ladies (Meg. Julia, Meryl and Diane) to keep me company, while I go about my day.
Then there is Spotify, where I choose Broadway productions that I can sing along with and fantasize receiving massive applause with people turning to each other in amazement with, “Who knew, she could also sing? And those dance moves!” You may be thinking, delusional. But, after all, it’s about keeping ones spirits up.
To be fair I know people who are in relationships with a someone other than themselves, where they used to send them off with, “Have a good day,” and part company for the better part of twenty-four hours, are now stuck with this person.
There is no waving Ciao, Au Revoir, Hasta la Vista, till you meet up again at the end of the day. All they do is go to another room in the house and if you’re really unfortunate, they only go as far as the dining room table. Writing this, I have to say, I may still be better off with just me, the ladies and the call of Broadway.
I have come to a time, where, as much as I do adore Me. I could use a break, and not just occasionally.
When I do meet another human and have an opportunity to converse, I find I am babbling, talking a mile a minute, so excited that for even a brief moment I am having a conversation with a real person and not my reflection in the mirror.
To be honest, chats with me may have branched out from the privacy of the mirror. The other day while picking up some groceries, I realized I was talking to myself!! Now with a mask on no one could see or hear me. Thank God! Horrified, short of slapping myself, I told myself sternly, “Snap out of it, you’re in public!”
On Friday I had lunch with a friend. Upon seeing her, I became so overwhelmed with joy I felt myself entertaining the motion of skipping. When once again, I caught myself in time, and told myself to simmer! “Where’s your dignity, you’re in public!”
But once I sat down, dignity flew out the window, as both of us broke into this confession that we felt pretty crazy excited to be out and visiting with each other. Our shrill giggles for a brief moment resembled something out of a teenage film where the characters are embraced and jumping up and down with voices so high their words are inaudible. We calmed ourselves and then unanimously said, “Screw it,” and our giggles and (higher than necessary) voices resumed.
I have no solution for all of this, no wise words or even cliches. Like hang in there. Be brave. You can do this.
This isolation, no hugging, not wearing lipstick because it just ends up on the inside of your mask may drive us all around the bend. The lipstick challenge may be more a personal challenge. I don’t go anywhere without “lips.”
What I can offer is this. Be kind to you and yourself. This is a time, where you have time to become a true friend, to you.
Do socialize where you can, human contact, is essential to your soul, more importantly your sanity. FaceTime, find a walking buddy, mingle with your bubble. So when we’ve gone forward into fuller days of more humans, we’ll still like ourselves and we won’t scare the others off with skipping and hugs, where the hug-gee starts squirming with, “We can stop now!”
The sun is up, my day begins. Another day with Me, Myself and… Hmmm, I wonder what Diane and Meryl are up to?
Photos by; My daughter Holly, friends and Me!