“Are you tired? Do you want to stop?”

“No.”

I would not dare to look her way — but I knew she was smiling. Ever so slightly her face would relax — this was her expression of pleasure, her success, that I was a good pupil.

She liked that I listened and understood what the right answer was. To admit to being tired was the wrong answer. You completed your class faster and in good favour with the right answer.

“Good, very good — flying change.”

“Yes, well done.”

“Enough, dismount — you are improving.”

“Thank you, Mrs. Von Richthofen.”

“Go call for your ride home.”

She would turn and all I would see would be her back as she made her way from the arena and down through the centre of the stable.

Always the same. Well worn leather riding boots, jodhpurs, tweed jacket, hair swept up in a loose chignon. Her walk was a deliberate march. Purpose, commitment, discipline. No playing, no humour. Her time was not for the whim of horse crazy girls. You came to work, to learn, to perfect, to excel.

In Canada she was referred to as Mrs. but in Germany she was Baroness Gisela von Richthofen. The wife of Wolfgang Friedrich Wihelm Hugo Praetorious von Richthofen. We were reminded that they were related to Manfred von Richthofen, the Red Baron, the world renowned German fighter pilot of World War 1.

At thirteen, I really had no comprehension of what this history meant. The information told me only that my riding instructor was serious business. Mrs. Von Richthofen had taught herself dressage at age fifty and from 1964 – 1967 won three Ontario Dressage Championships. The art of dressage was not to be taken lightly. I was not to waste her time and I was to behave appropriately.

The stubborn energy that would lodge in my knees took hold of me. A force intent on making things work, of pushing myself. Telling myself; “Just one more thing, one more thing and then you can rest.” The swelling, the giving out of my knees that had me falling into a heap of agony and crying (yes here I cried) I kept going.

My life would continue to attract hard task masters who did not acknowledge whining, tears or pleads of asking to stop. You kept at it, you gave your best, you took direction and you went home when they said so, not when you wanted to.

To live up to the expectation that had been ingrained in me, I imagined my own cheering section. Whenever I felt I couldn’t put one more foot in front of the other, I’d hear them whispering, “There goes Sharon. You know she struggles, but look how strong she is. You’d never know.” My fictitious team of supporters gave me the strength to stand a little straighter, smile, endure a little longer.

Knowing how to keep going, enduring pain, the stiff upper lip persona, being strong are all commendable traits. Impressive and useful in the right place, at the right time. However, the concept of balance is never to be abandoned.

The Yin Yang principle of one energy giving way for another — action into rest, work into play, I must admit I remain in a state of mastering. I have yet to master. I continue to practice the art of knowing when to put one foot in front of the other and when to allow for ENOUGH! And put my feet up.

I have to remind myself it is not a sign of weakness.

The Baroness gave me a strength. She imbedded in me the whisper that would always instruct me to carry on, persevere, one more task — the encouragement that I could do it, that I was strong. This is what others would see, no tears, no sweat, no caving, no crumbling.

The art of balance and allowing for vulnerability would be up to me.

Persevering is only half the equation — letting go, letting it be enough, is the other.

To be continued.

Photo;
Images of dressage. The Internet

Dressage;
An Equestrian sport, defined as the highest expression of horse training, where horse and rider are expected to perform from memory a series of predetermined movements. Horse gymnastics, where the horse responds smoothly to a rider’s minimal aids. The rider is relaxed and appears effort-free while the horse performs the requested movement. Often referred to as, “Horse Ballet.”
Wikipedia
A Flying Change;
A lead change performed by a horse, when the leading leg changes at the canter while in the air between two strides.
Wikipedia