Let It Be Different This Time

Monday July 4th – surgery for my second knee replacement. I’d been preparing myself. Everything was in order. Home cleaned, check. Groceries bought, check. All the lovely rental aides of walker, shower bench and toilet seat, check. Children to visit, ride home, check. Feeling calm and confident, secure and grounded. No check. Every time I asked myself to be in a good place and relax I felt myself spiral into fear and a tear would well up in my eye threatening to spill out and run down my cheek. Two years ago I had my right knee replaced. My memory of walking into the surgery room was not positive. Inside my head I heard, “You’re alone” and I started to cry. The spinal was painful and I immediately became anxious and felt I was being strangled, before it all went dark. Meditating, affirming, visualizing could not get me to a place where I felt calm. I immediately bounced into what had happened before and the fear and tears took over. I was scared. My right knee was still healing, even after two years. I hadn’t pushed it to strengthen the way that it needed due to my left knee being so weak. I was scared that I’d now have two legs that didn’t feel good. Even though I kept hearing, “This will all take you forward.” I wasn’t supporting my inner wisdom. I was instead fuelling my fear of going through this all again. Sunday, the day before, the day, my friend Tonya sends me a text, “I’m going to pop by this afternoon, to see you before the...

Owning It

It all begins with being single, which translates into, “You’re the One”. You’re the one who has to glue back together what breaks, change the filter on the furnace, unplug the clogged drain, pay the bills, manage the books and read all those boring, foreign sounding documents, that you don’t understand and don’t want to decipher, but know you must. At least someone must and as you are the one – you are the must that must do it. A month ago I received a few notices regarding changes in car insurance as of June 2016. Yuk!! But I need to handle it and I’m not sure what it all means, so I take all my notices and policy documents into my agent to go over it. Upon opening my file, I start to say, “Not sure why I received this one as it’s from… and now I look closer, I don’t think this letter is even for me.” My insurance agent takes the form and quickly points out that it’s not even addressed to me. Oh my, this is me to a tee. I zero in on the main information and because I had received similar documentation I didn’t look further. One of my classic“idiot” moments. Unfortunately being dyslexic can only take the credit for so much. This moment is not one of them. I get the clarity I need from my agent to make an informed decision concerning my car insurance and I’m on my way. The next day I’m off to pick up some groceries. A ten minute drive. However, in the land of Kitchener, Waterloo...

Time; How Do We Fill It?

Pelting down rain, fog, stubborn patches of ice. “Mom, are you sure you want to drive in this?” “Of course. I’ll pick you up early though, with this weather and rush hour, it could be miserable.” “Sounds good, see you soon.” “How did we manage this? We’re forty-five minutes early. You said you needed to stop at a grocery store after your appointment. Perhaps we have time.” I sit and think. Where is the closest store, that we can accomplish my son’s errand and still be back in time for his appointment. I do my best not to be lured into sabotage, so I need to be honest, that it isn’t possible. I tend to do this – squeeze one more thing in and then early turns into late. In all my thinking, I’ve lost five minutes. “Mom, lets not. We can sit and take the time for some quality conversation.” How does this happen. When did he get so wise? I take a breath and I surrender to his suggestion and let go of my brain that is over thinking possible routes to grocery stores and still convincing myself that it is a good idea, when my more evolved self is shaking its head, sending me messages of, “Sharon let go, sit and breathe and forget the damn errand”. Cody, knowing I’m still in my head, doesn’t need me to agree. He’s already launched into his quality chat. He tells me that he’s been painting again and how good it feels. He’s describing his projects and how immersed he’s become. The colours he’s using, the technique, the appearance...

We Are Love

“Tell me you love me.” “I love you” “I love you back” “I love you more” “No, I love you more” “Did you forget something?” “You forgot to tell me you loved me.” “Who do you love the most?” “You love me the most. Right?” “Tell Mommy you love me” “Tell Daddy you love him” “I’ll give you a treat, if you tell me you love me” “No – you can’t go till you tell us you love us. Tell us you love us…” We are Love and yet so many of us ask others to validate that we are. We prompt, plead,coax, demand and yes bribe others to tell us we are loved. No one can give you Love. We are beings of energy that work on the principal of ‘like attracts like’. Not feeling loved will only attract others who feel the same lacking. You’ll have to constantly cue each other to say the “I love you” mantra and it will never feel enough because both of you don’t believe you are. You’ll find someone who feels unworthy and in turn treat you the same, by being abusive. When you feel unworthy of love, this message you send yourself is likewise abusive. The truth is we are Love. But some where on our journey through Life we began to believe a lie that we are not. We then turned to others to tell us that it isn’t true. Unfortunately this is not their job to confirm something we are innately. We are Love. It saddens me when I hear a parent who is in need of the...

After All, She was On My Stage

I was in the zone. I had been given a task with a deadline, that in all honesty was unrealistic. But, my ego had taken over and I would succeed. Except for two washroom breaks, I had not moved from my desk. The salad I had brought from home had been chomped down with record speed between typing notes and making calls. And then a fellow co-worker walked by and I broke my focus. I had a question for her concerning another work related matter outside of the project with the deadline. I paused. I turned my head to ask the question. My co-worker pulled up a chair to sit down beside me. And then, something happened. An eruption of great and over the top magnitude took place. The kind of loose cannon, knee jerk behaviour where you shudder and proclaim, “The lunatics have been given the keys to the asylum!” My supervisor had looked up from her desk and witnessed I was not working. She stood up and started yelling and with the yelling, she began to flail her arms wildly like a goose getting ready for take off, but first, needs to run a few feet to gain momentum. The supervisor was doing this. Running from her office, yelling, arms flapping — gaining momentum. “NO, NO, NO, YOU CAN’T TALK TO HER. SHE’S WORKING!!” Everyone in the office stopped and stared. No one moved. Shock of the spectacle occurring had frozen everyone in their place with mouths gapping open in disbelief. Disbelief and utter horror that their work environment had descended into the abyss of ridiculous abuse....

Who Are You Now?

  There is a personality trait that always impresses me. The composed individual that has a voice that carries a tone that speaks an energy of a calm and grounded strength. Never too loud, always clear, where in its steadiness the intended message is never mistaken. This personality is refined, always dignified, always together. At a National Dressage Championship, the gentleman in charge was Colonel Little. I watched while he met challenge after challenge in the organizing and handling of the operations of the event. Regardless of the obstacle he never faltered. He steered contestants, judges, staff and crew through every situation. The character Capt. Sharon Raydor of Major Crimes has this sultry, deep voice that just never seems to utter any kind of craziness or tension. She looks you straight in the eye and lulls you into giving her just what she wants to hear. From the 1994 film Disclosure, Chief Financial Officer, Stephanie Kaplan was the one who stood back, took in the big picture, put it all together and worked calmly from behind the scenes. No force – just focused, disciplined intention. I marvel at these personalities and often I tell myself to don the mask of Racoon Energy and go into these characters and yes there are times I am absolutely wowed with over-the-moon applause at my accomplishments. However, more often then not, the me I attempt to subdue leaps out from behind the mask. I’m often told I’m very animated, a tad too loud and much too profound. In short it’s been said, I’m too much. Colonel Little might agree, Capt. Sharon Raydor would...