Monday July 4th – surgery for my second knee replacement. I’d been preparing myself. Everything was in order. Home cleaned, check. Groceries bought, check. All the lovely rental aides of walker, shower bench and toilet seat, check. Children to visit, ride home, check. Feeling calm and confident, secure and grounded. No check.
Every time I asked myself to be in a good place and relax I felt myself spiral into fear and a tear would well up in my eye threatening to spill out and run down my cheek.
Two years ago I had my right knee replaced. My memory of walking into the surgery room was not positive. Inside my head I heard, “You’re alone” and I started to cry. The spinal was painful and I immediately became anxious and felt I was being strangled, before it all went dark.
Meditating, affirming, visualizing could not get me to a place where I felt calm. I immediately bounced into what had happened before and the fear and tears took over.
I was scared. My right knee was still healing, even after two years. I hadn’t pushed it to strengthen the way that it needed due to my left knee being so weak. I was scared that I’d now have two legs that didn’t feel good.
Even though I kept hearing, “This will all take you forward.” I wasn’t supporting my inner wisdom. I was instead fuelling my fear of going through this all again.
Sunday, the day before, the day, my friend Tonya sends me a text, “I’m going to pop by this afternoon, to see you before the big moment.” Now I’m inclined to cancel as I’m still getting all in order and the more evolved me, steps in and says, “Say yes”, and I text back – “See you soon”.
Tonya arrives and we have a great visit. As she’s about to open the door to leave I announce my dilemma.
Earlier in the year Tonya had had a similar surgery experience. She knew exactly what I was dealing with.
“Sharon – I get it. My solution for me was to tap into my sense of humour and joke my way through it. I surrendered to humour and all went well.”
As soon as she said this, it all fell into place and I could breathe.
I went into the energy of keeping it light and from there I felt ease. I now felt I’d be okay. And I was.
I was so focused on the fear I had experienced two years ago that I didn’t entertain allowing the this surgery to be different. Going into the fear of before I was recreating the same reality.
Once I surrendered to the experience being new and aligned to the energy of humour, everything shifted.
My left knee, is just that, my left knee and not a repeat of my right knee. The swelling has been less, I’ve regained my mobility faster, I worked with an amazing physiotherapist this time and I’m moving forward with my life.
So often we spiral into our pasts and abandon our present. We then recreate the fears and misfortunes rather than staying put in the possibility of creating something different.
Jobs, relationships, children, our health, our finances. What doesn’t go right in our lives – we get frightened and gravitate to the fear that gives us more of the same.
The new partner in our life – we’re on guard watching, waiting for them to resemble any minuscule part of the last one. The new job – same thing. The finances – you identify with life being a struggle or always screwing up, never making enough – living from pay cheque to pay cheque and there you are not able to make ends meet regardless of how much you earn.
Then there’s the kids. Here, it’s a slightly different spin. You get the first down pat, you swear that, “You’ve got this.” You give birth to the second and the little darling has the audacity to be different! And rather than enjoy the different, it all becomes challenging and too much.
It’s up to you. Everything can be the same. Or you can close your eyes and open them to something new and fill yourself with the
wonder at how it’s all going to turn out.
You can choose the possibility of it all being different.
Humour over fear is a different. It worked for me.
Photos by; Sharon Cooke